Rainy Tehran, Rainy Hell

              I no longer wonder if it rains in hell. Why? Because it does in Tehran and that's enough to be sure about hell. Of course Tehran is not as horrible as hell might be but still you can’t say it’s anything close to a standard city to live in. Pollution is beyond any imagination here and so is the diversity among its people. No matter where you are, not a single day is passed without you encountering someone talking on cell phone with the weirdest accents known ever. And the pollution, trust me, you don’t want to breathe here. It’s almost a gas chamber (Holocaust, anyone?). Those who live in Tehran are, probably, the only human beings with the ability to survive a nuclear blast, thanks to the air pollution.

Is there any other way to make things worse? Sure! The only thing you need is raining for an hour or two; then the city would pretty much look like a giant ants’ nest flooded by water. People go crazy just like ants. Everyone take their cars to the streets and all the sudden the city turns into a gigantic parking lot.  

Unfortunately that’s just the beginning. Buses are always delayed, shops won’t open on their usual time and much worse, you can’t find your umbrella when it rains! That’s why, if you leave your home early in the morning, you’ll see people soaked to death waiting for the bus, and the stores to open; yes, they’re hungry too! To be honest they’re not regular people, they’re students like me who never get a chance to have breakfast in peace. 

The other day I was riding the bus to get to my university while it had been raining since the night before. So not surprisingly, it took me more than two and a half hours to get there. 2 hours more than a normal day! It’s been a recurring nightmare for more than 5 years.I love the rain though. 

P.S: Earthquake in the near future?! Please God, we’re suffering enough!
P.P.S: Now seriously,  does it rain in hell?!
Disclaimer: Tehran and its citizens’ discretion was advised.

I for Internet

           It wasn’t long ago, when having a decent dial-up connection was the craziest dream. One that you could talk about with your friends; the key to the unlimited source of the unreachable! You see, those days a connection was just a connection. It was just a tiny stream of tired bits being carried by some even more tired signals, and no one thought it’ll get better. Well, not in Iran!

When I’ve got my first dial-up connection, some 8 years ago, I couldn’t imagine having anything better than that. I used to spend lots of my time in Persian social networks of those days, or as I like to call them, the Cyber Pasturages! I still wonder sometimes, have we done any secret genetic experiences on animals in our country? Because I think I’ve seen some of them using internet several times. Anyway, Webshots is the only English site that I can recall from those days. My browsing habits went on like that for a year or two until the serious social networking came in.

It all started from Tebyan. The most creative Iranian site in the time, featuring lots of elements that could keep you entertained for hours i.e. a rich download section, easy blogging, free E-mail, etc. I thought posting on a site just does not make sense; well, I was wrong. My first post attracted many people: A boring joke revised by me into an unrecognizable new one. By no time I was addicted.

That was alright though; I still hated chat and blogging; two activities known as most time wasting things you could do on the internet, to me. But again, I was wrong. My first Yahoo ID was “Mohsen_15_marmoolak” (Yes, creativity was high!) and actually was of no use to me. But my second ID added another affliction: Chat. It still was not serious for me; I used to mess with my friends just to have fun. But when I started blogging it all changed. Readers started adding me from my blog and soon after that I was waist deep in IDs. I loved it though, most of them really liked my blog and that was cool. But you can’t keep chatting and living together. It was like hell for me. Imagine having a dial up connection and an add list with more than a hundred active IDs. Who’s going to pay the bill? I started announcing certain hours of day for a blog conference. Yes! People would gather in my blog and talk to me through comments or messenger. I felt like a celebrity, but in fact it was nothing but addiction. I was an internet junkie surrounded by a bunch of people like myself. All we wanted was to kill the time. However, blogging helped me a lot. It helped me to learn myself, and my abilities in writing.

But now it’s different. I’m not addicted to chat anymore; I’m not even addicted to blogging like I used to be. But thanks to ADSL, I’m a download addict now and torrent is dope!

P.S: To those who keep asking me why don’t I have a Facebook profile? Get a life and some privacy! I already feel guilty for keeping my Yahoo profile going.

When the Bus Stopped

Imagine it’s the hottest time of the day. And you’re sitting in a crowded bus on a rock-hard seat beside the window and sun is aiming at you out of all people. Now you may think that’s the worst possible scenario after a long day in university on the way back home. But if you happen to be as unlucky as I got the other day, it might get even more annoying.
So there I was sitting in a bus with 60 percent of my body being boiled by sun* and all I could do was to stare out of the window like a sad guerrilla looking out of its cage, waiting for the ugliest daily experience of mankind, the bloody bus trip, come to an end. It went on like that for like 20 minutes and I was about to reach home when something weird happened.

The driver stopped the bus at the Dehkade Olympic station and jumped off it, running towards a little kiosk at the other side of the street. I don’t know why that seemed so weird to me, like I’ve never seen such thing before. So I said to myself that I have to guess what on the earth caused him to storm out of the bus like that. And in order to do that I had to change my sitting situation because I needed my whole bodily energy to concentrate on such important (= stupid) matter. So I took my almost melted body parts together and seat properly and started thinking about it.

First I thought he’s going to buy a newspaper and since he was young and kind of a “meydun shush” guy, that would be sports-related and more specifically it’s about body building. But it wasn’t because he went directly to the kiosk’s door and not the newspapers. My second thought which would have made more sense was that he’s going to buy a bottle of water. But again I was wrong. The young driver with a red t-shirt stained with everything from engine oil to god-knows-what-else, wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. Holy duck! All that running and hurriedly crossing the street was to buy cigarettes? Really?
Apparently he didn’t want us to get angry at him because he left the bus in the middle of the street, so that is why he was running. But is it so important to have cigarettes with you whenever and wherever you are? I mean is it worth blocking the street and leaving 60 odd passengers in the bus just because you ran out of cigarettes? Is it that addicting? It reminds me of Moe’s bar in Simpsons. When there’s no beer and everyone’s screaming like a woman giving birth! Come on people, either get rid of it or learn to control your habit.

*: Sun is hot. Heat boils the water. 60+ percent of our body is water. If you didn’t know these, you probably smoke too much. ;)


P.S: Smoker’s discretion WAS advised.

P.P.S: But I’m not kidding. Control your habit. You walking human exhausts!

Religious Freedom my A*se!

It’s amazing how mad people are going nowadays. I mean, burning Koran? Dude, get a life! What the next step is going to be? Peeing in Saudi Arabia to wash off the Muslims? What the hell are you thinking? It’s 21^st century. Publishing industry’s been around for more than a century now. And guess what, Muslims are using it too! They’ll replace burned ones with thousands of new and probably fireproof ones. Yeah, go hang yourself!

Barrack Obama, Angelina Julie, and I (hell yeah)(Me rocks lad!) are among the millions who condemned this foolish act. Even the infamous Sarah Palin knew it’s a “mean-spirited religious intolerance” thing to do and “don’t feed that fire.” Yes, even Palin figured it out and sadly YOU, those who participated, didn’t!

But seriously, what does it remind you of? Isn’t that the biggest sign of anger? I strongly believe in conspiracy theories and in my opinion this isn’t an exception. There are people angry with Islam’s influence and they’d do everything to slow it down. Just to slow it down; that’s all they want. Muslims aren’t easy to deal with. You burn their holy book and they’ll demonstrate for days and will boycott you all they can. It’s sad that nobody took lessons from the Mohammad’s insulting caricatures. Muslims just went out of control. Who are they trying to stop exactly?

And Let’s face it. Islam is taking over the world. You can laugh all you want for now. But give it 20 years and Islam will be the Religion with most followers. Mark my words!

P.S: Now human beings aren’t the smartest species, thanks to the leaders of this movement.

P.P.S: 20 years if 2012 isn’t gonna be the end. HAR HAR

Ali Daei or "How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2)"

Could you believe it? 800 million (800,000 $) for destroying a whole nation’s pride in less than a year. And it gets even worse when you watch the man responsible for the mess, defending his crappy results in the most viewed TV program. Somebody please tell me, what the hell is wrong with this country of ours? Isn’t there anyone to stuff this man’s mouth? Are they looking for volunteers? Because if they are, I’ll be first in the line.

“They said they will pay the taxes…But they didn’t and I want that 230 million Tmns (230,000 $) back.”

Oh my goodness! How could you sleep at night man, seriously? This is the country in which there are families still living in some always wet and stinky places, while you’re counting money at your multi-zillion dollar mansion. I mean it’s your money, right, but don’t you think you have to be more careful when you’re talking to some 80 million people? Who are busy enough to not give a damn about you whining for your tax money so huge, that most of them don’t even know how many digits it has? I’m glad for those who couldn’t pay the bill and didn’t have electricity that night; lucky them for not seeing you.

“I’m not doing this for money… I’ll build an orphanage with that money if you want!”

You greedy piece of trash… if that was the case and money wasn’t the reason then what the hell was? You’re not out to say you just wanted to prove you’re right, do you? Even if you were right, which I highly doubt, then you didn’t need to brag about it on TV to remind others how wealthy you are and how miserable their life is! Given the above, I dub thee the Grinch the 2nd, who stole the national pride and has been paid for it.

“I’m a professional and this amount of money is nothing, considering my profession!”

Oh yeah?! Is that so? Sir, to my calculation, you are an idiot! Getting 6 points out of a possible 15 is as professional as a cow driving a car, and admitting that is as stupid as the human beings having monkey ancestor’s theory!

P.S: Poor Grinch.

P.P.S: Didn’t want to sound bitter at all, but couldn’t help after seeing orphan children at the Quran fair hoping to be adopted.

Nerdology: My Years of Research

Have been accused of being a nerd, and trying hard to remove this stain since high school, I’m now proud to present my theory about nerds, which is based on years of humiliation and a quite time of research; so here’s my theory of Nerdology (mixed with some advices):

1. Gender: Does it matter?

Obviously it’s not up to gender, but still you can say from the percentage of girl students nowadays, there’s something to talk about here. Have you ever seen girls calling each other nerds, teacher’s…um… well, teacher’s hand kisser, bootlick or things like that? No, exactly! We, boy nerds, are going extinct. We are vanishing like gasoline does in a car’s fuel tank (sorry, it’s not a green car at all). Come on guys; don’t blame each other for being smart or in our case nerds. Wake up! We are going down…Look around; girls are in town! I hold nothing against girls, don’t make mistakes. I’m just saying we deserve more credit. We need more male nerds!

2. Appearance: Nerds are congenitally different

Whenever you hear the word nerd the common picture of a nerd hops into your mind immediately. And I’m here to prove that image wrong. Take Einstein, our current president and Bill Gates of Microsoft for instance. Do you see the difference now? Their haircut, the way they dress, and talk? But more importantly if you look at their childhood pictures you’ll see that they’re just normal and adorable as other kids…Einstein and Mr. President’s childhood…err…Did I say adorable? You know what? Just take Bill gates for instance and forget about the other two.Um...Let's just move on to next topic!

3. Conclusion: What do we get?

My theory is totally wrong.

P.S: Oops! Reader’s discretion WAS advised.

Diary of a Serial Killer: A Mockumentary

These are the last days of one of the most underestimated serial killers of the century:

December 19^th , 2012

Today I tried to kidnap someone in the hood, but it didn’t work out well; I mean, my plan was pure gold: Running over him with my wheels and then stuffing him in the trunk. Yeah, it sounds very clever, I know. But I don’t know why gangs in the hood always make fun of my plans. Anyway, as I said before it didn’t go well. That man was riding a car himself. Damn, I didn’t expect that. Better count that next time. Enough for today though, I got body parts to bury.

December 20^th , 2012

People have gone crazy and it’s not good. They don’t beg for their lives, instead, they want me to kill them. Whoever said world’s going to end tomorrow? Apocalypse?! Dear God! Thou shalt tell me his name, and send over your angels to receipt the corpse. You know me; if it’s not done by Azrael, look for my footprints…Shucks man! That was the coolest thing ever came out of my mouth.

December 21^st , 2012

Damn! Where did it come from? The tsunami. It killed zillions of Indians in a second. It was like an army of me. You know I don’t blame God for granting my power to that tsunami thing. To be honest, he’s got my back several times before. So don’t mind me God; Smite all you want. …

As you can see, the guy tried his best to be shown like a serial killer. Poor man died during a failed attempt to kill himself: writing English jokes. They say comedians are potential serial killers and it gets worse whenever people think they’re comedians while they’re as comedian as they’re a bloody monkey.Nobody believed it until this guy stepped on earth. Due to his privacy we can’t mention his name. May his soul rest in peace and if not who cares!

P.S: I don’t know if this is a narration or what. I just want to feel sorry for myself. Poor me!